LYRICS:

A doorknob once said to me, "You are too young
To have seen all the things that we doorknobs have seen."
You see doorknobs have been 'round for millions of ages,
Seen morons and sages and those in between,
But a doorknob can't talk, so its secrets are hidden from me.

So, I said to myself, "Now, if I could teach doorknobs to talk
I'd unlock all of life's mysteries."
So I set out to teach them. It was hard work and lonely,
But it'd be worth it only if I found the key
To teach all those doorknobs to tell all their secrets to me.

Doorknob on the door,
I admit you know more. You just sit there and store
Memories, day after day,
So why don't you say what you know you are not telling me?

I tried dozens of languages, used methods and madness,
Used joy and used sadness, used anger and rage,
But I still could not teach them, and nothing was working,
So I kept right on searching through page after page
To free all those secrets those doorknobs had locked in a cage.

Doorknob on the door,
I admit you know more. You just sit there and store
Memories, day after night.
Won't you tell just to spite all those people who don't want us free.

So I worked and I struggled to teach all those doorknobs
To tell all their secrets to me and to you,
And I never succeeded. I never did teach them.
But I guess that that's something you already knew,
'Cause if I had taught doorknobs to talk, you'd have talked to one too.

Doorknob on the door,
I don't care anymore what you thought was in store for me.
It doesn't matter right now,
'Cause I talked to you doorknob, but you never responded to me.

(instrumental)

So I finally retired, moved out to the country, and
Stopped reading books about doorknobs and speech.
I read other books now: about true love and ponies,
Adventure and cronies and huts on the beach,
And that's when I found what I had thought had been out of reach.

You see it was this book I had seen long ago,
But it wasn't 'bout doorknobs, so it wasn't for me,
But I read it again now, and come to find out that
This book held the secrets to life's mysteries.
After all of that searching, they practically came right to me.

Doorknob on the door,
I don't think you know more than I do anymore,
'Cause I'm free, 'cause I know the truth,
And I'll admit it's uncouth, but I don't think we want you to

Be around anymore,
'Cause you're stuck in the door, often locked, and what's more
Now I'm through to the other side
Of the door you abide in, so I'm saying goodbye now to you.

Goodbye, doorknob.
So long, doorknob.
Farewell, doorknob,
And I'm through with frustration, and my attestation to your lack of oration is through.

(instrumental)

A doorknob once said to me, "You are too young
To have seen all the things that we doorknobs have seen."
And I said to him, "Son, I have seen quite enough,
And I don't need your secrets, so take it from me,
If you knew how to read, you'd be reading this book now with me.

Doorknob on the door,
If I taught you to read
You'd be reading the truth now with me."